Based on the provocative and popular New York Times op–ed, this memoir alternates between the examination of a working–class upbringing and a cultural analysis of the historical, psychological, and sociological sources that make up the roots of toxic masculinity and its impact on society.
As American society adapts to changing economic and social demands, “traditional” masculine roles that have been mainstream since the Industrial Revolution seem to be increasingly out of step. Faced with unfamiliar challenges in work and relationships, some men struggle to find their place using the roadmap to manhood laid down by their fathers, uncles, grandfathers… etc. These tensions have created resentments in men who remember all-too-fondly the “good old days” of John Wayne and Ronald Reagan as the golden age of masculinity.
This is the backdrop of “The Man They Wanted Me to Be,” by Jared Yates Sexton, a personal journey of a young American male who grew up bombarded by lessons in manhood that never quite seemed to fit, but which the author became adept at performing nonetheless. These acts of manhood served to solidify his stature among the men of his family, up to a point, but the rigorous and unforgiving demands of maintaining that façade held perfection just beyond his reach, and ultimately he always came up short in someone’s eyes.
What this book explores with a clear and unflinching gaze is the ways in which these “traditional” roles can often be a poor fit, and how they limit the potential of so many boys and men, sabotaging not only their lives and happiness, but the lives of those around them, and the families they are trying to build.
The Man They Wanted Me to Be is as thoroughly researched as it is deeply personal. Filled not only with poignant anecdotes, this book presents real statistics, examining how we teach boys what’s expected of men, and the long–term effects of that socialization (which include depression, shorter lives, misogyny, and suicide.)
Part of what makes this book so good, for me at least, is the quality of the writing, and of the story telling. The stories are personal, but also relatable in a way that many men will find familiar, and many women will find illuminating. Sexton’s writing is direct and no-frills, but no less compelling for all that. The author’s voice is one of authority, but not overbearing; he’s simply telling his story the best he can, and his story, in one way or another, touches the stories of us all.
"By carefully and soberly examining his own story, Sexton deconstructs American life and gives many examples of how pervasive toxic masculinity is in our culture." ―Henry Rollins, Los Angeles Times
“Sexton draws on his own boyhood in rural Indiana to challenge social perceptions of masculinity, arguing that narrowly defined gender roles hurt men and women alike.” —The New York Times Book Review, New & Noteworthy
“This book is critically important to our historical moment. It's also really good—and Sexton's voice is unrelentingly present in it. It crackles with intensity and absolutely refuses to allow the reader to look away for even a moment from the blight that toxic masculinity in America has wrought . . . What also makes The Man They Wanted Me to Be work so well is that it's largely a personal story . . . How do we as a culture get past toxic masculinity when, as Sexton suggests, its paragon occupies the Oval Office and its pathology is empowered? Sexton's great book points the way.” —Nicholas Cannariato, NPR
“A real page–turner . . . His lens ranges from micro to macro to capture American progressivism in action, the global labor shift from traditional manufacturing, and roles prescribed to men since the Industrial Revolution that are becoming obsolete. It examines how we teach boys what’s expected of men in America, and the long–term effects of this socialization.” —Jerry Davich, Chicago Tribune
“[Sexton's] honest and heartbreaking account of never quite being able to shed the damaging gender demands he was raised with, along with the cultural and historical context that he provides, provides a blueprint for how men can confront the harm that toxic masculinity has brought them. I don't consider it critical hyperbole to say that a book like this can save lives.” —Erin Keane, Salon
“In this moving memoir of growing up steeped in the toxic masculinity of 1980s working–class rural Indiana, Sexton (The People Are Going to Rise Like the Waters Upon Your Shore) gives an emotionally intimate demonstration of the thesis that 'men have actively overcompensated for their insecurities, so much so that they have endangered themselves, the people they love, and their society as a whole' . . . This thoughtful and powerful consideration of the damage done by traditional masculinity to its ostensible beneficiaries will reward readers’ attention.” —Publishers Weekly (starred review)
“This book exposes the true cost of toxic masculinity—depression, suicide, misogyny, and a shorter lifespan for men—and takes aim at the patriarchal structures in American society that continue to uphold an outdated ideal of manhood.” —Kate Scott, Book Riot
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